Summer Blockbusters

Okay, after three four posts on unknown indy stuff it's time to go to the opposite end of the spectrum. If I've been talking about the nobility of the film world--good-taste but possibly snooty and inaccessible stuff--then it's time to talk about the loud, mainstream crowd. Here is the Summer Blockbuster edition. Reviewed in order of worst--> best.

What the crap is this?


Transformers 3: Even Worse Than the Last One
The only reason I paid money and took time to watch this was because we were at the theatre and there was nothing else to watch. This movie was playing every 10 minutes, seriously. So for convenience's sake, we went in.

I went into the theatre in a good, forgiving mood. There's no way it could be worse than the second one! Megan Fox's super-realistic acting is gone! Maybe the robots got new sound effects! Maybe there will be some improvements--

WRONG.

Three hours of ear-eye-brain torture.

NEEDS A MUTE BUTTON

First of all, call me traditional but the hot girl is about a foot taller than Shia LeDouche. By the way, he got even douchier than he was in the last movie. The garbage script attempts to deal with the "I'm a hero, what are my responsibilities?" issue, but it completely fails and I end up laughing.  I feel bad that Leonard Nimoy has to stoop so low to work on a film like this.

And then there was that action scene climax that was over an hour long. Is it really necessary for the other building to fall on top of the glass building so the railings will connect and the two kids can escape only to run into an ugly robot blah blah blah. The fact that the girl was running around in stilettos for hours was more impressive than all of the robot-building smashing. I leaned back and tried to sleep but it was too loud. Then I thought that I should've taken some sort of sedative. I closed my eyes and I swear, there were tears.

By the third hour of the film I'd lost my mind, and so had my friends. We'd taken to laughing out loud at "serious" parts of the film, like when that paper hits Patrick Dempsey's face, when the robots say a sentimental goodbye to LeDouche, and especially that line that goes something like

You didn't betray us. You betrayed yourself.

That killed me.